I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
