After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize