I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
