I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
