Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
