GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
