I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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