it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
