my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize