I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
