maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Randomize
