Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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