i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
