My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
