I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
