i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
