I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
