You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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