he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
