I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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