Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
It was like giving head to a cactus.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
