I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize