I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
