Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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