My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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