Tell her she can't have a vagina
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
