One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
