I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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