youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
