My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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