so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
