people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
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