My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
