I cannot find my penis.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
