I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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