Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
