i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
She bit a glass in half.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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