So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
