so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
