his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
