hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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