I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
