He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I can't put those talents on a resume
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
