No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
