Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize