I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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