I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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