In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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