i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
