hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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