Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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