I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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