All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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