I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize