God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
