As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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