you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
