Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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